I feel a bit dim-witted, an understatement. I have been with my wife, Melissa, a/k/a sqlchick, for well over two decades. You’d think anybody with a lick of wit would have figured her out long ago. The question has always been, “What the fuck is she doing with him?” I always say, “It’s my charm,” but those of you who know me. Enough said. Sexual prowess? I’d like to think so. Ha, you say to that. Money? No. Body? She’s not blind, is she? Love answering my own question with a question.
Sometimes it takes the insight of an outsider to solve a great mystery. My friend Cornholio came for a visit and opened my eyes. Sure, we might have been a bit toasted, and sure, there were some unrepeatable in print utterances from Corny, but he, Cornholio, of all people, figured it out. You know, between “um buddas” he came up with the answer. The only logical answer.
Melissa a/k/a sqlchick a/k/a Natasha or Olga, or something like that, is a Russian spy. What a perfect cover her handlers chose for her, hanging out with some washed-up-never-has-been in the Carolina woods. Sure, she has that “consulting” job, but would it be hard to fool this dolt of a husband with a few clever ruses? Hell no. Those speaking engagements? Sure, just enough time for a clandestine meet with the dark mustachioed man. And how about all those international types she hangs out with? Sure, it’s a user group meeting.
If that isn’t enough evidence, just look at the pale hue of her skin, so pale it must have never seen southern sun before we met. She said she was from Omaha. I think not. Straight from the Siberian tundra, she must be, which explains why she hates to be cold, growing up on the tundra as she did, scrapping for a few kernels of corn, no, I got mixed up with that Omaha story again. A nibble of caviar scrounged from the ice? Shit, I have no idea what she ate in Siberia. She has me so confused. Probably all part of the plan, my confusion.
It has all become so clear, in the midst of my confusion, but what to do next? What are her plans for me once my relatively useless services are no longer needed? So complicated. Pray for me.